The Karachi Diaries: August - September, 2022

Part One: Home and Back Again - August 17, 2022

I can't believe I have become one of those people who now only come to Karachi on vacation for a few days. It's quite saddening for me and hurts me somewhere deep inside my core. It just feels weird to be home as a guest. And I also can't believe I am documenting these blog posts as "Karachi Diaries." 

Anyhow, this time around, I landed in Karachi towards the tail end of the monsoon season. On my second day here and I am sitting in my living room with the following view, as I smell faint petrichor (I'm sure I must be imagining it), while some people in my house eat the last of the mangoes. 

I swear it feels like I am a character in the midst of a heavily cliche'd South Asian novel. 

Part Two: Driving Like a Maniac - August 18, 2022

You know what they say: "You can take the boy out of Karachi but you can’t take Karachi out of the boy." I think they also say, "Don't call a 43-year-old man a boy," but whatever. 

I've been here three days now and been driving since day one. My first day, I was a bit apprehensive because, as you might know, driving in Karachi can be difficult, especially after you have been driving in North America for the past few years. I started driving the car like a timid Canadian, giving way to all the other cars, motorcycles, bicycles, rickshaws, buses, trucks, tankers, vans, eighteen-wheelers, twenty-two-wheelers, donkey carts, and cows on the road. But I soon realized that if I were going to do that, I would pretty much just stay put and not really go anywhere. 

Day two, I was back in the groove. I had my hand on the horn, I was cutting off every car, motorcycle, bicycle, rickshaw, bus, truck, tanker, van, eighteen-wheeler, twenty-two-wheeler, donkey cart, and cow on the road, and was basically back to driving like a maniac. 

Good times. 

Part Three: A Cockroach who was German - August 30, 2022

I really didn't want to eat at Xanders but my family was going there earlier today for lunch so decided to tag along. We went to their Khe-Bukhari location and the waiter wiped down the table we were to sit at with a piece of cloth that he was carrying around in his hand. Soon thereafter, my 15-year-old niece suddenly screamed because there was a cockroach crawling on the side of the wall next to her. The scream got the waiter's attention, who casually walked up to our table, completely nonchalantly squashed the bug with the same piece of cloth that he was earlier cleaning our table with, and quite offhandedly said, as if it was entirely usual, "Ye tau German hai." 

I looked at the waiter, who was looking at me, and I said to him, somewhat incredulously, (probably looking like this guy): "German?" 

Waiter: "Jee ye tau sirf German cockroach hai." 

I was not sure what to think except double you tea eff is a German cockroach and why was it perfectly acceptable at a supposably* high-end restaurant?

*Yes, I wrote that.

Part Four: The Bykea Blunder - September 6, 2022

I've had an upset stomach ever since I got to Karachi (more on that later) and I have to have a steady stash of various medications, including and most importantly ORS sachets, at hand at all times. Last night, at around 1 a.m., I realized that I was out of my trusted electrolytes yet at the same time, I had absolutely no desire to go out and buy some. My sister suggested I use the Bykea app to get someone to buy the ORS for me at the pharmacy and drop it to my house. 

I downloaded the app and thought that it was pretty cool and easy to use. I checked and it said that the closest place to my house that was open and had ORS was Ami's so I placed an order for a Bykea to bring some ORS for me from Ami's. 

At least that's what I thought I did. 

A few minutes later, I got a phone call from the rider saying that he was outside. I went outside and the dude motions with his helmeted head and arm for me to sit behind him on the bike. 

I was like, "Huh?" 

He said, "Sir mein aagaya hoon aap ko lenay. Chalein Ami's." 

Apparently, I had ordered a Bykea to come to my house and instead of bringing the ORS from Ami's to me, I had requested the rider to take me to the ORS at Ami's instead. 

And if you guys are curious, no, I did not take the ride. I canceled it, paid the guy a tip, and used foodpanda to order some coconut water, as no ORS was available on their app.  

Part Five: The Chutney Incident - September 8, 2022

We (my sister, my wife, my son and I) went to Khudda Market at around 2 a.m. for some kabab rolls. I wanted to have both Red Apple and Hot N Spicy to compare so we went to Red Apple first, where my wife, son and I had their chicken chutney rolls. My sister wanted to have some tea, so she ordered a cup from Cafe Pyala nearby. While we were parked there, a bunch of Land Cruisers showed up with their battalions of guards and police officers in tow following them in Vigos of their own. These guys started making too much noise and plus I wanted to try the Hot N Spicy roll next, so I moved the car towards Hot N Spicy, after paying our Red Apple waiter. We also managed to flag down the Cafe Pyala guy and told him to meet us in front of Hot N Spicy since my sister had decided to order some Suleimani paratha somewhere in the middle of all of this. 

As I was driving to Hot N Spicy, I saw this guy in a white shirt follow the car. He came next to me when I had stopped and asked me if I wanted something from Mirchi 360. I said, no, I want Hot N Spicy. A guy in a red shirt came up and I ordered two chicken chutney rolls, one for me and one for my son. As I was ordering, the guy said that it would be an extra Rs. 20 for the chutney. I was like, what? That was unheard of. The guy kept pointing at the menu, showing me where it said that the chutney was Rs. 20 extra but he was pointing to a platter not the kabab rolls. I have been having kabab rolls at Hot N Spicy since 1998 and never have they ever asked me to pay extra for the chutney. Thinking that the guy was trying to scam me, I got out of the car and went up to the counter to ask the guy sitting there. The dude confirmed that they had very recently (like 10 days ago) started charging extra for the chutney. Having no other option - because the sauce is the boss and having the kabab roll without the extra chutney is like watching a movie with the sound off - I ordered two chutneys with the two kabab rolls. 

During this time, while I was in a heated argument with the Hot N Spicy waiter about charging me extra for the chutney, the guy in the white shirt (remember? He was from Mirchi 360) kept talking to me and also to the waiter, trying to give me some pointers on what to do and telling the waiter about how to get the chutney, etc. I got a bit exasperated and asked him, "Tum Hot N Spicy say ho?" To which he replied no, so I said, "Tau phir tum kyon beach mein bol rahe ho bhai?" 

Also while all of this was happening, this little girl came up to the car saying that she only had two pens left and if I could buy them both. I asked the girl if she was hungry, she said yes, so I said I will buy her a roll. 

The guy from Cafe Pyala (remember him?) also showed up somewhere in between and told me that it was ok and that he would get me the chutney for free. I was like it's ok, I don't mind paying for the chutney if that is what it is, I just didn't want to be scammed. 

I tried - in vain - to get the attention of our red-shirted waiter to order another roll for the girl, but he was busy arguing Bob knows what with the Mirchi-360 white-shirt. 

Almost 20 minutes had gone by the time our rolls came, and I had lost my appetite so I ended up giving my roll, along with the chutney, to the girl. After a few minutes, my son handed me back the empty plate; empty except for the small bowl of chutney that he had not even opened.

Part Six: Part Six: To Turn, or Not to Turn, Is That a Question? - September 9, 2022

 I was driving on Khe-Badr earlier today and saw this sign

The first thing that came to my mind was, "Suppose... I don't want to. Tdheirn?" à la that brilliant Fifty Fifty skit "Basheera in Trouble." 

But then I got to thinking. This was no ordinary sign. It was not telling me that there was a right turn there. It was actually telling me to turn right. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was so much deeper and philosophical than it appeared. 

I mean was this sign merely a suggestion or was it commanding me to turn right, as in take the physical turn to my right? Or to turn right as opposed to turning the wrong way? Or right as in right conservative? There was also a road going left. Why didn't the sign say Turn Left as well? And there were several intersections up ahead and before this one. Why was this sign only at this intersection? So many questions. Not enough answers. 

Part Seven: Stomaching Woes - September 13, 2022

One of the things I didn't want to do on this trip was to eat at places like Xanders, Aylanto, Cocochan, etc. reason being that I wanted to have the more local things like Hanifia, Hot N Spicy, Mr. Burger, Bar B.Q Tonight, Karachi Broast, etc. I did, however, wanted to have Test Kitchen and Café Flo. Test Kitchen because the last time I was in Karachi - about four years ago - we had some really good sandwiches there and my son had been raving about it all this time, so I wanted to take him there again. Café Flo because four years ago I was there but did not have their potatoes au gratin and had been beating myself for that the past four years. Also, both are supposably (yes, I wrote that again), two of the best eateries Karachi has to offer. 

I spent most of my meals in Karachi (except for that one I wasted at Xanders) eating at local eateries and I had an upset stomach almost all the time that I was there, which is why I needed a steady supply of the following:

One of the ways in which I was able to figure out which food that I had that made my stomach gurgle the worst was using the Last In, First Out (LIFO) and First In, First Out (FIFO) philosophies. If, at the end of the day, I was puking, the last food that I had was the culprit, as it was last food in, first food out. If, at the end of the day, I was pooping liquid, it was the first food that was so blame, as it was the first one in but the last one out. It's basic biology. 

Anyhow, things got so busy and hectic that I was not able to find any time to go to either Test Kitchen or Café Flo until my second last day there. We decided to go to Test Kitchen for breakfast and then Café Flo for dinner. 

Only problem was that, at the end of the day, I was both puking and pooping liquid. 

Karachi Diary. Part Seven: Stomaching Woes

One of the things I didn't want to do on this trip was to eat at places like Xanders, Aylanto, Cocochan, etc. reason being that I wanted to have the more local things like Hanifia, Hot N Spicy, Mr. Burger, Bar B.Q Tonight, Karachi Broast, etc. I did, however, wanted to have Test Kitchen and Café Flo. Test Kitchen because the last time I was in Karachi - about four years ago - we had some really good sandwiches there and my son had been raving about it all this time, so I wanted to take him there again. Café Flo because four years ago I was there but did not have their potatoes au gratin and had been beating myself for that the past four years. Also, both are supposably (yes, I wrote that again), two of the best eateries Karachi has to offer. 

I spent most of my meals in Karachi (except for that one I wasted at Xanders) eating at local eateries and I had an upset stomach almost all the time that I was there, which is why I needed a steady supply of the following:

One of the ways in which I was able to figure out which food that I had that made my stomach gurgle the worst was using the Last In, First Out (LIFO) and First In, First Out (FIFO) philosophies. If, at the end of the day, I was puking, the last food that I had was the culprit, as it was last food in, first food out. If, at the end of the day, I was pooping liquid, it was the first food that was so blame, as it was the first one in but the last one out. It's basic biology. 

Anyhow, things got so busy and hectic that I was not able to find any time to go to either Test Kitchen or Café Flo until my second last day there. We decided to go to Test Kitchen for breakfast and then Café Flo for dinner. 

Only problem was that, at the end of the day, I was both puking and pooping liquid. 

Karachi Diary. Part Six: To Turn, or Not to Turn, Is That a Question?

 I was driving on Khe-Badr earlier today and saw this sign

The first thing that came to my mind was, "Suppose... I don't want to. Tdheirn?" à la that brilliant Fifty Fifty skit "Basheera in Trouble." 

But then I got to thinking. This was no ordinary sign. It was not telling me that there was a right turn there. It was actually telling me to turn right. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was so much deeper and philosophical than it appeared. 

I mean was this sign merely a suggestion or was it commanding me to turn right, as in take the physical turn to my right? Or to turn right as opposed to turning the wrong way? Or right as in right conservative? There was also a road going left. Why didn't the sign say Turn Left as well? And there were several intersections up ahead and before this one. Why was this sign only at this intersection? So many questions. Not enough answers. 

Karachi Diary. Part Five: The Chutney Incident

We (my sister, my wife, my son and I) went to Khudda Market at around 2 a.m. for some kabab rolls. I wanted to have both Red Apple and Hot N Spicy to compare so we went to Red Apple first, where my wife, son and I had their chicken chutney rolls. My sister wanted to have some tea, so she ordered a cup from Cafe Pyala nearby. While we were parked there, a bunch of Land Cruisers showed up with their battalions of guards and police officers in tow following them in Vigos of their own. These guys started making too much noise and plus I wanted to try the Hot N Spicy roll next, so I moved the car towards Hot N Spicy, after paying our Red Apple waiter. We also managed to flag down the Cafe Pyala guy and told him to meet us in front of Hot N Spicy since my sister had decided to order some Suleimani paratha somewhere in the middle of all of this. 

As I was driving to Hot N Spicy, I saw this guy in a white shirt follow the car. He came next to me when I had stopped and asked me if I wanted something from Mirchi 360. I said, no, I want Hot N Spicy. A guy in a red shirt came up and I ordered two chicken chutney rolls, one for me and one for my son. As I was ordering, the guy said that it would be an extra Rs. 20 for the chutney. I was like, what? That was unheard of. The guy kept pointing at the menu, showing me where it said that the chutney was Rs. 20 extra but he was pointing to a platter not the kabab rolls. I have been having kabab rolls at Hot N Spicy since 1998 and never have they ever asked me to pay extra for the chutney. Thinking that the guy was trying to scam me, I got out of the car and went up to the counter to ask the guy sitting there. The dude confirmed that they had very recently (like 10 days ago) started charging extra for the chutney. Having no other option - because the sauce is the boss and having the kabab roll without the extra chutney is like watching a movie with the sound off - I ordered two chutneys with the two kabab rolls. 

During this time, while I was in a heated argument with the Hot N Spicy waiter about charging me extra for the chutney, the guy in the white shirt (remember? He was from Mirchi 360) kept talking to me and also to the waiter, trying to give me some pointers on what to do and telling the waiter about how to get the chutney, etc. I got a bit exasperated and asked him, "Tum Hot N Spicy say ho?" To which he replied no, so I said, "Tau phir tum kyon beach mein bol rahe ho bhai?" 

Also while all of this was happening, this little girl came up to the car saying that she only had two pens left and if I could buy them both. I asked the girl if she was hungry, she said yes, so I said I will buy her a roll. 

The guy from Cafe Pyala (remember him?) also showed up somewhere in between and told me that it was ok and that he would get me the chutney for free. I was like it's ok, I don't mind paying for the chutney if that is what it is, I just didn't want to be scammed. 

I tried - in vain - to get the attention of our red-shirted waiter to order another roll for the girl, but he was busy arguing Bob knows what with the Mirchi-360 white-shirt. 

Almost 20 minutes had gone by the time our rolls came, and I had lost my appetite so I ended up giving my roll, along with the chutney, to the girl. After a few minutes, my son handed me back the empty plate; empty except for the small bowl of chutney that he had not even opened.

Karachi Diary. Part Four: The Bykea Blunder

I've had an upset stomach ever since I got to Karachi (more on that later) and I have to have a steady stash of various medications, including and most importantly ORS sachets, at hand at all times. Last night, at around 1 a.m., I realized that I was out of my trusted electrolytes yet at the same time, I had absolutely no desire to go out and buy some. My sister suggested I use the Bykea app to get someone to buy the ORS for me at the pharmacy and drop it to my house. 

I downloaded the app and thought that it was pretty cool and easy to use. I checked and it said that the closest place to my house that was open and had ORS was Ami's so I placed an order for a Bykea to bring some ORS for me from Ami's. 

At least that's what I thought I did. 

A few minutes later, I got a phone call from the rider saying that he was outside. I went outside and the dude motions with his helmeted head and arm for me to sit behind him on the bike. 

I was like, "Huh?" 

He said, "Sir mein aagaya hoon aap ko lenay. Chalein Ami's." 

Apparently, I had ordered a Bykea to come to my house and instead of bringing the ORS from Ami's to me, I had requested the rider to take me to the ORS at Ami's instead. 

And if you guys are curious, no, I did not take the ride. I canceled it, paid the guy a tip, and used foodpanda to order some coconut water, as no ORS was available on their app.  

Karachi Diary. Part Three: A Cockroach who was German

I really didn't want to eat at Xanders but my family was going there earlier today for lunch so decided to tag along. We went to their Khe-Bukhari location and the waiter wiped down the table we were to sit at with a piece of cloth that he was carrying around in his hand. Soon thereafter, my 15-year-old niece suddenly screamed because there was a cockroach crawling on the side of the wall next to her. The scream got the waiter's attention, who casually walked up to our table, completely nonchalantly squashed the bug with the same piece of cloth that he was earlier cleaning our table with, and quite offhandedly said, as if it was entirely usual, "Ye tau German hai." 

I looked at the waiter, who was looking at me, and I said to him, somewhat incredulously, (probably looking like this guy): "German?" 

Waiter: "Jee ye tau sirf German cockroach hai." 

I was not sure what to think except double you tea eff is a German cockroach and why was it perfectly acceptable at a supposably* high-end restaurant?

*Yes, I wrote that.

Karachi Diary. Part Two: Driving Like a Maniac

You know what they say: "You can take the boy out of Karachi but you can’t take Karachi out of the boy." I think they also say, "Don't call a 43-year-old man a boy," but whatever. 

I've been here three days now and been driving since day one. My first day, I was a bit apprehensive because, as you might know, driving in Karachi can be difficult, especially after you have been driving in North America for the past few years. I started driving the car like a timid Canadian, giving way to all the other cars, motorcycles, bicycles, rickshaws, buses, trucks, tankers, vans, eighteen-wheelers, twenty-two-wheelers, donkey carts, and cows on the road. But I soon realized that if I were going to do that, I would pretty much just stay put and not really go anywhere. 

Day two, I was back in the groove. I had my hand on the horn, I was cutting off every car, motorcycle, bicycle, rickshaw, bus, truck, tanker, van, eighteen-wheeler, twenty-two-wheeler, donkey cart, and cow on the road, and was basically back to driving like a maniac. 

Good times. 

Karachi Diary. Part One: Home and Back Again

I can't believe I have become one of those people who now only come to Karachi on vacation for a few days. It's quite saddening for me and hurts me somewhere deep inside my core. It just feels weird to be home as a guest. And I also can't believe I am documenting these blog posts as "Karachi Diaries." 

Anyhow, this time around, I landed in Karachi towards the tail end of the monsoon season. On my second day here and I am sitting in my living room with the following view, as I smell faint petrichor (I'm sure I must be imagining it), while some people in my house eat the last of the mangoes. 

I swear it feels like I am a character in the midst of a heavily cliche'd South Asian novel.