What Not to Wear While Having a Heart Attack

I recently received an email about what to do if you think you are having a heart attack. According to this email, if someone is alone and starts feeling a tightness in the chest area, a sharp pain in the left arm that radiates into the jaw, and a general numbness of the whole left body, one should immediately start coughing vigorously, taking deep breaths amidst the long, deep coughs. This, supposedly, allows the blood vessels and the arteries in the heart to swell up while coughing and decreases the chances of an actual heart attack from taking place. The email advises that the patient keep coughing patiently until an ambulance arrives or he/she is taken to a hospital.

A quick search on Google quickly confirmed that this was nothing but a hoax. However, this did not stop my friend* from making a perfect fool out of himself yet again. He was on his way home after a hectic day at work and he suddenly started feeling a sharp pain in his chest that traveled up his left arm into his left jaw. He panicked, thought he was having a heart attack and started coughing like a madman. Surprisingly enough, his heart did get better, but, unfortunately, he coughed himself to death. It turned out that the pain was not even heart related and that his 'banyan**' was just too damned tight.


*When I say friend I actually mean a random fictional character that I have just created on the spur of this moment.

**And when I say 'banyan' I can also mean a T-shirt.

From Dust Till YouTube

I wonder if the two-day dust cloud that hung over Karachi had anything to do with YouTube being banned in Pakistan. I really don't see any connection, but you never know. It's funny how the late Abdullah Shah Ghazi have been able to thwart other potential disasters but he didn't see this one coming. Not the dust cloud, the banning of YouTube. What's next, I wonder. Google?

I just wanted to make this post to tell my readers from Pakiland that they can still view YouTube through an online proxy. Simply go to http://vtunnel.com/ ignore the ad banner on your left, enter http://youtube.com/ where it says http://www.Gmail.com/ in the address bar above the button marked 'Begin browsing,' and begin browsing YouTube.

The Importance of Voting and Wearing a 'Banyan'

February 2008 saw two important things come to an end in Karachi. One has been the end of a lot of tension and quandary surrounding the 'down-went' Elections 2008 (mostly because the elections have now ended amidst minimal incidences of violence and a countenance of fairness), and the other has been the end of an unexpected wave of prolonged winter.

The elections are finally over and everyone has relieved a sigh that we had all breathed in after December 27, 2007. The last couple of weeks were the worse with bombs going off in many parts of the country and an expectation that something horrible was brewing to go off in Karachi at any time. There were rumors of every thing going wrong on and before election day with people at home watching the renewed Geo News for some sensationalized excitement (or an excitable sensation depending upon which way you swing) or Dawn News for those wanting to see the English language screaming 'naheen! naheen!' running with arms stretched, 'dupatta'* fluttering in the air behind her as heavily accented male anchors on female horses run in full pursuit (thank you, Khaver, for the imagery); people at work checking and rechecking geo.tv or dawn.com every 15 minutes so that they can run home at the slightest inclination of any thing gone wrong; people on the streets anticipating this car, that motorcycle, this bicycle, that rickshaw, this bus, that truck, this tanker, that van, this eighteen-wheeler, that twenty-two-wheeler, this donkey cart, that cow, or those pedestrians to blow up; people who reached home after work and being on the street watching Geo News or Dawn News, etc, etc; you get the point. But nothing happened in Karachi (and thank god for that) and the elections got over as peacefully as unexpected.

Another thing that is over is the unexpectedly long wave of cold weather that hit Karachi this winter. This is perhaps the first time in my life that I felt so cold in Karachi. Karachi is in the temperate zone and we usually don't get sweater-or-jacket-worthy winters and people are usually fine just wearing a 'banyan'** but this year was an exception. Many people were seen wearing sweaters, coats, jackets, overcoats, gloves, scarves (the ones that go one your neck not on women's heads), and of course 'banyans' underneath their shirts. Many people were also seen sweaters, coats, jackets, overcoats, gloves, and scarves without the 'banyans' and we all know that that is not going to do anything, for the 'banyan' is a very important article of clothing in winters and it is absolutely necessary to wear under your shirt if you are to trap the heat in and keep yourself warm. Anyhow, summer is at our doorstep and winter is out the door, leaving behind the house with no electricity, UPSs whose batteries are dead, and generators with cables that are without plugs and tanks that are without fuel. Yes, people of Karachi, you have all witnessed excessive loadshedding even through the coldest of times this year and truth be told it gives me the most inconvenient of heebie jeebies just thinking of what will happen in summer-time. If Al Gore is right (and it's most inconveniently likely that he be telling the truth), it's going to be very hot in the summers simply because it was very cold in the winters. I am guessing that we will be getting the privilege of receiving electricity for not more than a few minutes every twenty-four hours, and it's going to be time soon to get rid of the 'banyans' and to bring out the 'chaddees.'***


*a 'dupatta' is a long, flowing, and usually a colorful piece of cloth used by the women of Pakistan to cover their bosoms and heads. This is not to be confused with the 'abaya' or the 'hijab,' which are headscarves, nor with the 'burqa,' which is a full-bodied ninja suit.

** a 'banyan' is a white cotton vest worn beneath shirts and usually made by Mercury, a Pakistani brand that specializes in male undergarments.

*** a 'chaddee' can be many things (including a long drive in someone else's car), but it mostly refers to a variety of shorts, knickers, briefs, Bermudas, or Spandex, all depending upon which way you swing.

Of Red Not Love

Valentine's Day is the most meaningless of all non-holidays.

First of all, it has nothing to do with us, the people of Karachi, Pakistan, or even Asia. It's a Roman holiday named after some Roman saints called Valentine, and if we are so keen on celebrating this particular holiday, we might as well go ahead and celebrate other Roman holidays like Quinquatrus Day, or Agonia Day (which was observed by sacrificing victims on the seven hills of Rome), or Parilia Day (which honors the pastoral goddess Pales, and is observed by driving sheep through burning straw), or Fordicidia Day (which honors Tellus, Goddess of Earth, and is observed by slaughtering pregnant cows, taking the unborn calves from the womb, and burning them in order to insure fertility for the growing corn).

Secondly, and most importantly, Valentine's Day has got nothing to do with love either. Truth be told, all the red that you see on Valentine's Day shows more of an association with the blood of the martyr saints rather than being the color of love and passion. Yes, that's right, blood. The 'Valentine' in Valentine's Day refers to at least three Roman saints of ancient Rome, all of whom were painfully tortured before they were brutally slain for their 'heretic' behavior and for holding ambitious religious beliefs. Their deaths had nothing to do with 'love' or any other idea remotely related with 'love.' They never preached the lesson of 'love,' never told anyone about 'love,' did not have any idea what 'love' was, and they sure in hell did not die for 'love.' It is just funny to think that many years later people would end up celebrating a feast of love in their name when I am willing to bet my pot on the fact that these Valentine fellows had never even heard of the word 'love' in all of their lives. They gave up their lives and spilled their blood for their convictions and we use it to paint our towns red every year for ours.

There was a lot of uncalled for 'redness' last night in Karachi, so much so that I actually ended up getting sick. Couples and transvestites wearing matching red clothes, restaurants all laden up in their red themes of red hearts and red balloons, I even saw one of those 'hari-topi-walay mullahs' (the-green-hat-wearing-holy-men) wearing a red-topi this time! I went to Nandos last night with my cousins and it felt like I had entered the set of a cheap, slasher, teenage horror flick that takes place in an underground butchery. It was so red in there that I actually started hallucinating that red spiders were crawling down my red back. The lights were wrapped in red cellophane, there were red balloons inside, and the glass was painted with red hearts. The waiters, the chicken, the pita bread, even the peri-peri sauce were all red. A guy named 'Laal' also came to my house to collect a bill that I had forgotten to pay to him earlier. It was insane, I tell you. And to think all this happened in the name of love.

I don't think love even exists. And don't think I am just saying that in some deep, dark, philosophical, metaphysical, abstract, sagacious, oh-I-have-loved-and-lost-and-I-have-become-a-complete-cynic, deep, dark kind of a way. I have scientific and mathematical proof that love really does not exist.

Ok, so everyone knows that any number divided by infinity is zero, right? Keep that in mind. Now the population of our world is estimated to be 6,649,117,969 (six billion, six hundred and forty nine million, one hundred and seventeen thousand, nine hundred and sixty nine) people. There is 1 planet capable of sustaining life in our solar system (for my Martian readers, it is the Earth, of course), an estimated 100,000,000,000 (one hundred billion) solar systems in our galaxy alone, and an infinite number of galaxies in our universe, which means that there are an infinite number of planets as well (since anything multiplied by infinity is also infinity). Even if everyone on Earth projects 'love' to even 100 people in their lifetime (which is an extremely generous estimate), we will have 664,911,796,900 (six hundred and sixty four billion, nine hundred and eleven million, seven hundred and ninety six thousand, and nine hundred) 'packets' of love. Divide that by the infinite number of planets in this universe, gives us that magical number zero (since anything divided by infinity is zero). Hence, love does not exist, at least not in our universe; quod erat demonstrandum.

To Buy or Not to Buy, that is the DVD

Living in Karachi can be quite frustrating for various reasons. Most of these reasons were listed in an article published in the Economist a few months ago that branded Karachi as the '4th most unlivable cities in the world.' This was due to problems related to Karachi's shortfalls in healthcare, education, sanitation, infrastructure, traffic congestion, not being able to handle its own weather, crime, terrorism, overall bad city planning, and a near-perpetual energy crisis. I got very sad and depressed after reading this article not only because I found out that I was living in the 4th most unlivable cities in the world but also because I found out so many things that I always knew were wrong here but was too naive to realize.

Yet, there are these little things in life that give solace to living here. I can list thousands but one of the most enlivening things, one which most of us take for granted, is the price and availability of movies on DVDs. Here in Karachi you can find an almost complete collection of all the Indian and English movies in many stores throughout the city for as little as Rs. 49 for a DVD. And there are a few stores that also sell Pakistani movies. However, even a simple act of going and buying a DVD can become a very hard decision given the many different types of 'movie prints' that each film is released on.

Let me explain: The first type of print that is released is the 'Camera' print. This print is 'produced' when a person takes a camera into the theater and films what is happening on the screen. Many movie store owners here also define this as a 'Watchable' print, although there is nothing 'watchable' about it (unless you are keen on watching shadows of people's heads sitting in the rows ahead and hear an occasional cough, babies crying, and people laughing). I guess the only people who like to watch this print are those who want to experience going to the theater while sitting in their living room. This is the worst print that you can get of a movie, but its also the one that comes out within hours of the theatrical releases.

Another print is called the 'Screener.' This is a decent print but it is mostly accompanied by a counter placed in the middle of the screen that is continuously ticking away numbers that really don't make any sense. This 'Screener' is the print that is given out by the production companies for screening purposes to award giving academies or censorship boards and its usually out even days before the movie is actually released in theaters. The video quality can range from being excellent to very good, but there are usually very blatant sound problems, such as the background noise being the main sound and the important dialogues that become background noise.

There is another print, called 'A Very Good Demo,' which I have not been able to understand as of yet. I think that they get this print by recording the movie direct from A/V out of the projector in the theaters. This is also a good-enough print but I have serious problems with it because it has some formatting issues and can ruin the whole experience of watching movies. Some of my friends are really keen on getting this print and they even enjoy it a lot, but I prefer not to watch them and wait for the movie to come out in the 'Master' print.

A 'Master' print is a pirated copy of the movie from its original DVD release. This is the best print that you can get and includes all the features that you would find on an original DVD, including subtitles in English, French, Spanish, Chinese etc. It may or may not contain the 'special features' section, but that really does not matter. The only problem with watching movies on this print is that by the time the movie gets out in this format, most of your friends have already seen it on either the 'Camera,' 'Screener,' or 'Demo' print (which for me are all 'Unwatchables').

Each movie comes out in each of the above explained prints and add to that is the new technology driven world of torrents and what-not. Many of the store owners make a complete fool out of you by downloading the movies off the net and then burning them on a cheap DVD. The result is that you get to watch a 'Compressed' print that is very pixilated and looks more like a VCD than a DVD.

So, keeping in mind all of the above, a typical conversation that occurs at a movie store goes something like this:

'Is "There Will be Blood" out?'

'Yes sir, its a 'Very Good Demo.''

'No 'Master?''

'No, but this is a 'Very Good Demo.'

'Is it watchable?'

'No. It's better than a 'Watchable.' Its a 'Very Good Demo.'

'Ok. I don't understand what that means, but ok. How about 'No Country for Old Men?''

'Yes its out. 'Master' print. But without the subtitles.'

'Does it mean that it's a 'Screener?'

'No. It's a 'Master' print. But no subtitles.'

'So this is watchable, then?'

'No no. It's not a 'Watchable.' It's a 'Master Without Subtitles*.'

'So, it's a 'Master Without Subtitles' and its unwatchable?'

'I don't know what that means, but ok.'

That's when my friend buys the 'Very Good Demo' print of 'There Will be Blood' and I get the 'Master Without Subtitles' for 'No Country for Old Men.' My friend does not buy 'No Country...' because he has already seen it in a 'Screener' print that was, for him, watchable, but for the movie store owner was, of course, better than a 'Watchable.'



*I did not mention this in my descriptions of the various prints because I had no idea that such a print existed before having the conversation at the movie store.