An Australian Advice to End Pakistani Corruption

So, last night, I was sitting in a semi-formal environment being the youngest one at the table. I wasn’t actually being the youngest, it just happened that I was the youngest one there. Amongst the other people present were two of my cousins, both considerably older than me, some of their even older friends, one of whom had brought an Australian on vacation who was also the same age as my older cousin's older friends. Anyhow, age has got nothing to do with this post and I am only mentioning all of this in order to establish the serious tone that was hovering over that particular table in that particular semi-formal environment. The talk on the table added to the somber atmosphere as it progressed into a heated discussion about our current government, systems, corruption, and the corruption in our government and systems. One of my older cousin’s even older friends started talking about how he was going through a lot of trouble in getting his land transferred/sold/or something like that.

“Everywhere I go they ask for a bribe. I went to the registrar’s office and he asked for a kickback on my sale, that lousy son of a bitch,” said my older cousin’s even older friend.

“Yeah,” added my other older cousins’ other older friend. “It is like this everywhere here in Karachi. Nothing gets done unless you pay your way through it. I had to go to court for some problem and I had to bribe everyone from the goddamn peon to the mazharfakhar judge.”

The poor Australian man had just sat there, listening to the whole thing wide-eyed, and surprised, and only at this point, he decided to speak up.

“So guys,” he said in a helpful, considerate, a heavily accented Australian, and an extremely serious voice. “If you have to give bribes to all these people, the judges, the lawyers etc, why don’t you do something and complain about it to the police?”

And that was the end of the sober, solemn atmosphere at the table.

Time Travel and Other Lesser Known Benefits of Daylight Saving

Most of the countries in the world adopt daylight savings so that their hard working citizens can have a little more of the day left at the end of their day. This means that people who work from 9 to 6 to get home by 7 still have an hour or so of the daylight in which they can do their chores or spend time with their family. This makes the workers more productive as they feel they have a longer day and more time to spend in the sun. In Pakistan, however, the main prerogative for adopting daylight saving is to save electricity. Even though I can understand the principles of how this can potentially be achieved, I don’t think that the KESC, the Pakistani government, or most of the Pakistani public really understands how this could be possible and this kind of sort of defeats the whole purpose of advancing the clocks an hour in Pakistan. I don’t know why they did it last year and I don’t know why they are doing it again because the electricity problem was not solved at all. I think that the electricity shortage might even have worsened because of this, as we saw at least 3-4 hours of load shedding in Karachi even during the winters.

Nevertheless, it happened last year and it is going to happen again this year. Tonight at midnight, all clocks in Pakistan would be advanced an hour, and we will lose one hour of our summer. As mentioned above, there are many advantages of doing this. However, there are some more benefits that people are not aware of and I list them here:

Time Travel – Many people do not realize this but this is the best time for time travel. We all have the opportunity to challenge Einstein and his ideas about relativity and whatnot, as all of us in Pakistan will jump an hour ahead in time tonight. One minute it will be 11:59pm and the next 1:00am. I am pretty excited about that!

Loan Nullification – Do you have some outstanding loans that you have repay? Well, being a Pakistani, I have come up with a very simple solution to all your problems. Call the people you owe money to and tell them that you are giving them a one-time offer of paying them their entire loan back all at once. Just ask them to collect their dues anytime between midnight and 1:00am tonight.

Two-timing – Last year, many people faced a lot of confusion over what time it was as some people decided not to adopt daylight saving. What we don’t realize is that this gives us a great opportunity to two-time everyone. It is, after all, a fact that people will be following two-times and this would make it completely kosher for anytime to two-time anyone and everyone else.

Being Late for Work – Yes, now you have a perfect excuse (at least for the next whole week) of coming in an hour late to work. The first day, you can always forget to set your clock ahead; the second day, your alarm clock would go off at the wrong time; the third day your driver would have the wrong time, and so forth.

No More Confusion over “What Time is It?” – It would be 8pm then when it would be 7pm now, which means that according to the old time, you would be one hour behind the time that it would be now. Now would be an hour ahead, which means that if it were 7pm now, it would actually be 6pm then according to the old time but you will be ahead an hour according to the new time. The old time then would be an hour behind us and we would now be an hour ahead in the new time. See? No confusion at all.

Modern Day Exercises for Shedding a Load During Load Shedding

Almost everyone is health conscious these days but almost everyone is also very lazy. People tend to shy away from doing any exercise and prefer to sit or lie down all day. Most people are so lazy that they won't have anything else but 'fast' foodⁱ delivered to their homes/offices just so they won't have to make any unnecessary movements other than sitting or lying down. This is a big problem as it can be very difficult to motivate people to take up exercise. This is why I have come up with a very viable solution for everyone for this upcoming summer. I present to you: the Modern Day Exercises for Shedding a Load During Load Shedding

1. The Generator Starter Bend and Pullⁱⁱ: Great for your back and arms and very easy to execute. Flip the switch on the generator, bend down and grab the rope, strain your back a bit, and pull with a sudden jerk. Repeat as many times 'load-shedding' occurs or 6 to 8 times a day, whichever comes first.

2. The Forearm Newspaper Fan Swivel: No electricity and feeling hot? Need to build those forearm muscles? All you need is a newspaper and an arm and you are all set. Just hold up the paper in your hand, point it towards your face, and swivel your arm in a fanⁱⁱⁱ-like motion. Feel cool and develop those bi/tri-ceps!

3. Electricity Generating Treadmill Generator: Don't have a generator, but a lot of flab around your tummy? Worry not. Here is a solution that works as a double-edged sword killing you two birds with the same stroke: an innovative new technology that combines your treadmill with an inductor, alternator, and whatnot in order to give you the first ever Human Powered Electricity Generator DELS1000^iv. Simply start running on the treadmill, shed a load, and worry not about load shedding. Order yours today!^v

4. The Jog-Cool Off: The humid weather with an unpowered ceiling fan getting you down? Missing the cool wind hitting your face 6 to 8 hours a day? Just get up and start jogging. Doesn’t matter where you do it, as long as you keep running and let the air around you breeze into you^vi.




ⁱ e.g. inexplicably heaped salads 

ⁱⁱ works only if you have a manually starting generator. For those who do not have a generator refer to the Forearm Newspaper Fan Swivel or the Electricity Generating Treadmill Generator. 

ⁱⁱⁱ not the ceiling fan

^iv Designed Especially for Load Shedding. 

^v For more details on how to order this revolutionary new device, leave a comment below. 

^vi This is actually not a joke*. I remember many years ago, one of my aunts employed a kid (who had come down all the way from cold-weathered Chitral) to help around the house. Poor kid used to live in a small room with asbestos roofing and his room would get really hot in the summers. You can imagine how he must feel when the electricity would go off, leaving him sweating in the hot and humid summer weather of Karachi. One day, during the load-shedding hour, we heard noises, like someone was running around the house in circles. My cousin and I went to investigate and found the kid running around the house in circles. We stopped him and asked him what he was doing, to which he told us that running makes the air hit him like a breeze.

*I am seriously not joking. Scouts’ honor.